


to all the boys i loved before

by restless5oul



Category: Formula 1 RPF, Motorsport RPF
Genre: (A Lot of Them), Awkward Conversations, First Love, Light Angst, M/M, Romance, Unrequited Crush, mostly lighthearted, romcom vibes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-09-21 10:08:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17041745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/restless5oul/pseuds/restless5oul
Summary: lando had a problem. but he wouldn’t admit that, not to anyone, and not for anything. his problem was that he seemed incapable of stopping himself from falling for any guy who was nice to him and paid him the slightest bit of attention.





	to all the boys i loved before

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DamsInDistress](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DamsInDistress/gifts).



> long time no see.
> 
> this is chesca's xmas gift, but i hope other people enjoy it too :)
> 
> also despite the title the plot of this bears little resemblance to the film.
> 
> this was mostly inspired by lando saying he used to have a poster of alex on his bedroom wall as a kid.

Lando had a problem. But he wouldn’t admit that, not to anyone, and not for anything. His problem was that he seemed incapable of stopping himself from falling for any guy who was nice to him and paid him the slightest bit of attention. Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad in itself. But he only ever seemed to fall for guys who were way out of his league, and wouldn’t give him so much as a second look. Unless it was to look at him as the little kid who was always a couple of years too young, a couple of inches too short, cute but not to be taken seriously.

At least he could be realistic about it, he knew he had little chance so he never risked eternal embarrassment by pursuing things. It was painful and a little pathetic but he could survive pining from afar. Or so he told himself.

 

***

It started with George. Maybe because he was just so easy to like, or maybe because he was the only person around who didn’t treat Lando like he was a child, there to be laughed at or babied. He looked at Lando like he was an equal, despite appearances, and that meant the world when he felt like he wasn’t being taken seriously.

“Are you alright down there?”

Lando had hidden himself away in some corridor away from the main function room where everyone was still eating. He didn’t really mind the fancy events, sometimes, they were a nice chance for him to see people and catch up. Something he didn’t really get to do outside of race weekends, and even then he was usually too focused on the task at hand to do anything that resembled real fun. But he’d found himself sat in between his dad and a bunch of other middle aged men he was probably supposed to impress, but he was too distracted by the food he didn’t even like and how bored he was listening to all these speeches about the future of British motorsport. So he’d made some lame excuse and hurried off to find somewhere quiet.

So he was tucked away beside some trophy cabinet that he hoped would shield him from view, but he looked up to see George’s face peering over the bannister of the stairs he had his back to. He guessed his hiding place wasn’t so good after all.

“Um yeah. Yeah I’m fine,” Lando replied, suddenly sure that he sounded like an idiot even though he’d barely said anything at all. There was something about George and the honest way he looked at him that turned Lando into a bumbling mess. Most people he found mildly attractive had that effect on him.

He could hear George descending the last few steps and his tall, thin figure came into view from the other side of the cabinet. He’d undone the jacket of his suit and was carrying a plastic box in his hands.

“What are you doing?” he asked, tilting his head to the side.

“I just…wanted some peace and quiet, Lando shrugged, and it wasn’t exactly untrue. He locked his phone by pressing the button on the side, hoping George hadn’t seen the silly game he’d been playing as an attempt to pass the time.

“Can I join you?” George asked and he’d barely finished his sentence before Lando said yes.

He’d barely ever got to spend genuine time alone with George, and though he knew it was wishful optimism, he’d take it just for the chance to get to be close to him.

George slid down the wall beside him and crossed his long legs so his knees were bumping against Lando’s legs. He looked at Lando with those big eyes, like he was going to say something, but he seemed to decide better of it because he popped the lid off the tupperware in his lap.

“I never like the food at these places,” George said picking up a plastic fork and stabbing at a handful of salad leaves.

“Me neither.”

Lando felt like it would be rude to watch him eat, so he instead resorted to staring at the blank screen of his phone that he fiddled with in his hands. All the while he was far too aware of how close to him George was sitting. Not that he had much of a choice, the space between the cabinet and wall was barely large enough for the both of them.

“Are you here alone?” George asked when he’d finished about half of his salad and Lando had gone back to playing the game on his phone.

“No. My dad is here with me; I think he’s trying to convince everyone at our table to sponsor me.”

George laughed, but he looked like he couldn’t tell if Lando was joking or not.

“How come you’re not in there with him?”

Lando shrugged.

“Sometimes I feel a bit silly, being in there on my own. Like I stick out like a sore thumb, like everyone’s looking at me,” George said after a moment’s hesitation.

The only thing Lando could do was nod to show that he agreed. He felt a little bit like they were having a _moment_. He didn’t know what a moment was supposed to entail, but he was pretty sure the butterflies in his stomach were confirmation.

“But I just remind myself that I have every right to be there,” George said, looking down at Lando, “And you do too.”

Lando felt his heart swell at those words, and if he was brave he could have kissed George right then and there. But all he did was blush and smile awkwardly.

Any illusions he’d had that George’s words were anything other than friendly encouragement were crushed a couple of weeks later when he saw a picture of him with his new girlfriend on Facebook. But he supposed George being straight wasn’t the worst way to get rejected (if you could even call it rejection seeing as he never did anything to be rejected from), at least this way he couldn’t help not liking Lando like that.

 

***

With Jack it was different. He couldn’t have been more different from George, or Lando for that matter. But maybe that was why Lando found himself being drawn to him. There was something about the way he talked and did things that spoke to an experience and a maturity that Lando could never even hope to possess. And he was just fun. And careless fun wasn’t something Lando got an awful lot of.

Lando wasn’t entirely sure how he had ended up at Jack’s birthday party, he couldn’t even remember who had invited him. It was probably George. If it had been Jack’s choice Lando didn’t think he would be at the top of his list for people he would want at a party. He didn’t think he’d ever been to a proper party before. At least not one that included alcohol, loud music and people dancing together in a way that mostly involved them grinding against each other with their hands all over the other person. It made Lando feel shy just to watch.

Watching was all he was doing, sat with a glass of lemonade and wedged in the end of a sofa, trying to avoid touching the guy and girl sat next to him who looked to be trying to break the world record for the longest time spent kissing without coming up for air. Honestly he had no clue who they were or how Jack knew them, he wasn’t even sure if Jack knew them. He had tried looking for George when he’d arrived, but the house was big and there were so many people he was having trouble moving through the crowds, let alone seeing over the heads that sat high above his.

He was distracting from concocting a plan about how best he might make his escape by someone shooing away the couple beside him and sitting down very close to him. Lando’s heart skipped several beats when he realised it was a tipsy Jack pressed up against him.

“Lando Norris! I didn’t know you liked to party,” Jack said grinning in that special way of his, the way that made you feel like life was suddenly a little bit more fun than it had been thirty seconds ago.

“George invited me,” Lando said, sipping his lemonade like that might stop him from blushing quite so hard.

“George…” Jack said like he was thinking hard, “Yeah I haven’t seen him. I think he’s here.”

He shook his head and seemed to snap out of whatever train of thought he was stuck in.

“What are you drinking?” he asked Lando, pointing at the glass in his hand.

“Oh, uh, just lemonade.”

Jack barked a laugh.

“Oh come on. You aren’t going to have even one drink?”

“I don’t drink,” Lando said, trying not to shift uncomfortably.

“You don’t drink? Or you never have?” Jack asked, fixing him with a knowing look.

“…Both?”

Jack immediately took the glass from his hand, placed it on the floor, and replaced it with his own hand so he could pull Lando to his feet.

“I’m getting you a real drink,” he declared, leading Lando out of the living room.

All Lando could focus on was trying not to do something awkward or embarrassing, but he was internally freaking out about the fact that he was actually holding hands with Jack. And not just that, but for some reason, Jack seemed to have decided that he was going to give him his undivided attention. He could feel his sweaty his palm was in Jack’s, and he just had to hope that he was too drunk to really notice.

He tried not to let his disappointment show when Jack let go of his hand to start pouring him some no doubt lethal combination of spirits and mixers into a tall glass, finishing it off with a multi-coloured straw.

“Here you go Hobbit!” Jack said, handing it to him with a flourish. Any other time Lando would have admonished him for the use of the annoying nickname, but he didn’t have it in him to say so.

“Uh thanks,” he said, eying the drink cautiously.

“It’ll be nice I…” Jack’s sentence tailed off, as something over the top of Lando’s head caught his eye. Lando turned to see what it was and then almost wished he hadn’t. In the hallway behind him, the familiar lanky figure of George was being pushed against the wall by a girl who Lando could only presume was his girlfriend. Their lips were practically glued together, and they were holding each other so tight he couldn’t tell whose hands were whose.

Lando turned back to Jack, expecting him to make some joke or shout something at George, but the look on his face caught him off guard. It was an expression that was disconcertingly familiar to Lando because he was sure it was how he looked every time he looked at Jack hooking up with some random guy and wishing rather desperately that it was him he was with instead. He didn’t think he’d ever seen such a sad expression on Jack’s face.

“Jack are you okay?” he asked, a little nervously.

Jack looked down at Lando like he’d forgotten he was there at all.

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine,” he smiled unconvincingly, “You better drink that.”

Jack made a speedy exit after that, looking like he wanted to get as far away from George and his girlfriend as possible. Lando followed suit soon after, sending one text to George telling him that he was sorry he hadn’t caught up with him, and another to his mum asking if he could get picked up. His drink was left on the kitchen side, untouched.

 

***

Somehow it was hard for Lando to entertain the idea of his crush on Jack after that. Every time he thought about him too hard all he could remember was the heartbroken look on his face, and all his usually fantasising and daydreaming didn’t hold the same appeal.

But that didn’t matter for long, because after Jack there was Ferdinand, and the year after there was Sergio.

In many ways Lando couldn’t tell his feelings apart when it came to those two. One crush simply morphed into the other. They were both gorgeous enough to leave Lando tongue-tied if he was ever within ten feet of one of them. But nice enough that they didn’t run and hide every time Lando said something dorky. In some ways they were nice, easy crushes to have. He got to spend enough time with them to let his imagination latch onto them, but not too much time together that Lando might genuinely start to think he had a chance with them. Because he knew his chances were slim to none.

That’s why he couldn’t even bring himself to be that mad when he stumbled across the two of them making out in the hotel corridor after the Carlin end of year party.

“Oh sorry!” Lando said, caught somewhere between embarrassment and amusement.

Sergio turned his head, his hands still grabbing onto the front of Ferdinand’s shirt. He looked surprised to see Lando, but he didn’t let Ferdinand move away even when he realised they had been caught.

“Lando?” Ferdinand’s cheeks were flushed pink, but Lando wasn’t entirely sure it was just because he was there.

“Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me,” Lando smirked, somehow seeing the funny side of the whole thing. He clearly wasn’t going to find himself making out with either of them anytime soon, so it seemed right that the two most recent objects of his affections should do it with each other.

“Good, now run along,” Sergio said, shooing him with his hand, looking very much like he had more important things to get back to. Things that Lando didn’t want to stick around to watch.

 

***

 

Maybe Sergio and Ferdinand weren’t so serious, maybe he was just looking for someone to focus his attention on. But it wasn’t always like that. Alex was the first, and he was going to be the last.

Ever since he was almost too young to remember Alex had been there. At first he was someone to look up to, a couple years older, seemingly infinitely cooler and better at racing than him. He didn’t know Alex, but he was struck by a need and a desire to be his friend. And then one day he was his friend, and he could talk to him, and hang out with him and Lando found out that he was as wonderful as he’d hoped he would be. That’s when being friends wasn’t enough. It took him a while to work out that what he wanted was to be much more than friends. When he realised he wanted to pretend it wasn’t real, but Alex wasn’t easy to stop caring about. Lando still idolised him a little, but he’d also found out that he was kind and gentle and everything Lando thought he could possibly need in the entire world.

But he didn’t do anything about it. He stood at the side-lines and silently pined away for years and years. Until it got to the point where it had gone on so long that speaking about it would be too embarrassing. And Lando was fairly sure everyone knew. Maybe even Alex himself. He was no good at being subtle about his feelings, especially not with Alex. He made no secret of how wonderful he thought he was.

“You should really do something about it you know,” Lando felt an elbow at his side and looked up to see Jake stood beside him grinning. He didn’t have to ask what he was talking about; he was clearly watching Alex laughing with George as he had been for the last half an hour or so.

“I really shouldn’t,” Lando frowned, pushing Jake’s hand away.

“Of course you should. He’s single, you’ve been in love with him for as long as I can remember. What do you have to lose?” Jake shrugged. Lando wanted to argue on the part that he was in love with Alex, but he wasn’t too sure himself.

“Why are you so keen on me making a fool of myself?”

“I’m not. You obviously really like him and I want you to be happy.”

Lando looked up at Jake and he was surprised at the sincerity he saw there. It made him feel hopeful and filled him with a sudden burst of confidence.

“You really think I should?”

“I do,” Jake smiled, and he did something Lando didn’t think anyone had ever done to him before, and he reached out and took Lando’s hand in his and gave it a small squeeze. It should have made Lando blush or stammer over his words, or make him feel uncomfortable or awkward, but he knew Jake only meant it to be encouraging. So Lando squeezed his hand too.

“Okay.”

Before he could change his mind he marched on over to Alex and tapped him on the shoulder. He had a moment when he truly thought he’d gone insane as Alex turned round and the fact that he was about to ask him out hit Lando.

“Hey!” Alex grinned, looking happy to see him which he supposed was a good start.

“Hi, uh, could I talk with you? Alone?” Lando stammered, feeling like he had suddenly lost all the feeling in his legs. Alex nodded and Lando somehow found it within himself to walk with him until they were far enough away from everyone else that they wouldn’t overheard.

“Is everything okay?” Alex asked, looking at Lando with genuine concern on his face. Lando’s heart jumped in his chest, and he could feel his head running away with ideas about how much Alex must care.

“Yeah I’m good. I just wanted to ask you something,” Lando looked down at his feet rather than meeting Alex’s eyes.

“Oh?”

Lando forced himself to tear his eyes upwards.

“Do you…I mean, would you like to go out with me sometime? A-as I date I mean, just me and you,” Lando bit his lip and tried not to fidget too much or break eye contact with Alex.

For one moment Alex’s face was just blank as he processed Lando’s words, then his eyes widened and Lando’s heart sunk. He knew that look. It was that one of pity he got when he was about to be told something along the lines of “go away now, the adults are talking”. It was the kind of look that made him feel like a child again. And he knew exactly where this was going.

“Oh Lando,” Alex said, and the small comfort was that he sounded genuinely sorry.

“You know what, never mind,” Lando shook his head, feeling the embarrassment and rejection bubbling to the surface and wanting nothing more than to run and hide before he did anything else mortifying.

“No, no. It’s not you, it’s just I can’t-,”

“I get it, I was stupid to think that you would want to,” Lando nodded and tried to smile, ignoring the fact that years of pointless hoping and pining was being crushed in front of his very eyes.

“I’m so sorry, I’ve just always thought of you as a friend and-,” Alex was starting to look a little embarrassed now, and Lando could tell he wasn’t doing as good a job of holding it together as he hoped.

“I know. I’m sorry for asking,” Lando nodded and he turned on his heels before Alex could say anything else nice and rub more salt in the wound.

Keeping his head down Lando weaved his way through the crowd, not even sure about where he was going, but just knowing that he had to get away from everyone before he made himself look like even more of an idiot. He could feel the hot tears on his cheeks, but he couldn’t bring himself to wipe them away.

“Lando! Lando wait!”

He couldn’t tell who was calling his name, though he assumed it was Alex. So he kept walking.

“Lando!”

There was a hand on his shoulder, and Lando found himself being turned round.

“Are you alright?” it was Jake, not Alex.

Lando opened his mouth, trying to conjure up some excuse so he could leave. But he looked up at Jake’s earnest face through his tearstained vision and the only thing that came out of his mouth was a poorly suppressed sob.

“What did he say?” Jake asked, keeping his hand tightly wrapped on Lando’s shoulder.

Lando didn’t answer, instead he just wrapped his arms around Jake’s torso and pressed his cheek against his chest. Jake didn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around him too and hold him while he let him cry.

 

***

Jake had watched Lando pour his heart into guy after guy for years, and he had watched him realise time and time again that it wasn’t going to work out, or that someone else had come along before he had a chance. He didn’t really know why he did it. It only ended with him heartbroken and he never seemed to learn. He just moved onto the next guy.

But never Jake. Not Jake who felt like he had been there all along. Who watched as feelings he thought were born of brotherly protectiveness turned into affection and eventually something akin to love. So maybe he was just as bad as Lando. He didn’t do anything either. But he wasn’t what Lando needed. Lando was a young, a star, and he was more fragile than he would admit. Jake wasn’t the right person to worm his way into his life, especially where he wasn’t wanted.

So he settled for being Lando’s friend, because it was the right thing to do and he really did like him. He saw him fall for George, who he knew was the only person Lando felt like he could trust, and he saw him watch all of George’s attention slowly get consumed by his new girlfriend. So Jake made an effort to be there for him, to give him a friend when he felt like he had none.

And he watched him chase after Jack, the only person unaware that the only reason he fooled around with every other vaguely attractive guy was to distract himself from the fact that he was in love with his seemingly straight best friend. Nor did he seem to realise that he wasn’t Jack’s type, or that whatever Jack would offer would never live up to his dreams. But Jack was easy to fall for, Jake could understand that, he’d almost been there once himself. So when Lando asked if he thought Jack really was in love with George, Jake gave him the honest answer, even if he felt like he was betraying his other friend.

He figured his brief obsessions with Ferdinand and Sergio were born more out of habit, but Alex was totally different. As long as Jake had known Lando he had been head over heels. And honestly Jake though Alex would be good for him. If it was going to be anyone then Lando deserved someone like him. He didn’t know if Alex liked Lando back, but he was sure Lando had as good a chance as anyone.

That’s why he encouraged him to finally bite the bullet and do something about his crush. As he watched him march over to Alex, shoulders squared, Jake had been proud of him because he knew what it would take to do that. He knew because he wasn’t brave enough himself. Even though he couldn’t hear what was being said, it was clear fairly quickly that this wasn’t going the way Lando wanted.

His face turned from nervousness to horror and humiliation. It looked like Alex was letting him down easy but that didn’t seem to matter. Though he knew it was unreasonable, Jake couldn’t help but blame himself as he watched them. It was hard not to when Lando looked so crushed. It was that guilt and a need ton know if Lando was alright that led Jake to follow him as he hurried away from Alex.

He called his name and when he turned to Jake looking distraught, he wished he had something better to offer him than a shoulder to cry on. But it seemed to be what Lando needed, and he was glad he couldn’t even feel a little bit glad about the fact that he was finally getting to hold Lando in his arms.

 

***

“You!”

Jake whirled around to see Lando stomping towards him with a fierce look on his face. He almost looked angry, but Jake had seen him pissed off and this was something slightly different.

“Lando?” he said, looking and feeling a little bit bemused.

“Why didn’t you tell me?!” Lando asked incredulously, and Jake had to admit that he was totally lost.

“What are you talking about?”

Rather than answering him Lando grabbed his forearm and started to drag him outside of the hospitality. He pulled him behind one of the tents where it was much quieter and there was no one else milling around. It didn’t escape Jake’s notice that Lando still hadn’t let go of his arm.

“Y-you…it’s you who’s always been there!” Lando spluttered. He looked as confused as Jake felt, like he was still trying to get his head around whatever it was he wanted to say. As he wracked his brain trying to work out what it was Lando was talking about he realised that he had carried on talking, his sentences fractured and disjointed.

“And I never noticed before, and I don’t know how I didn’t. You’re always there for me, and you’ve never let me down. And maybe I’ve been stupid to not realise it. But it didn’t even make sense until Jack said so, but once he did it I got it-.”

“Wait, got what? What did Jack say to you?”

“That _you’re_ in love with _me_.”

Jake could have sworn his heart stopped when Lando said that. At first he couldn’t work out how on earth he knew. But then he realised he’d said so; Jack had told him. But how the hell did Jack know? Jake had always been so careful not to let on to anyone about his feelings. Clearly he hadn’t been as subtle as he’d hoped.

He could feel his face growing steadily more red as Lando stared up at him. It didn’t help that for the first time, Jake didn’t think he could tell what Lando was feeling. He didn’t look upset, but there was nothing about his expression that looked overjoyed either.

“I-…I’m sorry,” were the only words that sprung to his mind.

That seemed to catch Lando off guard.

“Why are you sorry?”

“Because I guess this puts you in a kind of uncomfortable situation,” Jake said, running his hand through his hair, “It’s never nice having to reject people. But don’t worry, I never seriously thought we could be together.”

“Why not?” Lando asked, indignant all of a sudden.

“Well I suppose you deserve someone who’s more…on your level?”

“On my level?!” rather than agreeing like Jake thought he should, Lando barked a laugh, looking at Jake as though he had grown two extra heads over the course of their conversation.

“Yeah,” Jake said slowly feeling like he was the butt of some joke. Of all the ways he had imagined Lando finding out about his feelings for him, and there weren’t many because he hadn’t any intentions of him finding out, this wasn’t how he wanted it to go.

“Jake, I’ve spent most of my life falling for whichever hot guy shows me the slightest bit of attention except for the one who liked me all along. My level is about as low as it gets.”

Somewhere in all that Jake registered that Lando had just called him hot, but he didn’t have time to appreciate it fully. He was too busy trying to wrap his head around what Lando thought about all this.

“I suppose you think I’m a fool for not telling you,” he shrugged, fighting the urge to fix his hair again.

“No more than me for not realising.”

“But you don’t like me back, I’m wasting my time.”

“Who said I didn’t like you back?” Lando folded his arms, a mischievous glint suddenly shining in his eyes.

“You…you just don’t. I saw what you were like with George and Jack and everyone. You’re not like that with me.”

“They were just…I liked them but I was just fantasising. I wanted them to like me so bad, but I always got carried away and I couldn’t handle it when they didn’t live up to the dreams I had in my head. Besides, how could I fall for someone who was never going to like me back?” Lando shrugged, and Jake was blown away by the honesty and self-awareness he saw everything with. But there was no one more self critical or determined than him after all, “But you _get_ me, I never have to explain myself to you. You just understand. How can some stupid teenage fantasy compare to that?”

“Lando…what are you-…what are you saying you want?” Jake said, still not completely sure he was understanding everything correctly.

“I want the one guy who liked me all along.”

Jake stared at his unblinking face for a few seconds, half expecting it to all turn out to be a dream or a cruel joke. Driven by a need to make sure it was real, he reached out and felt his fingers brush against the soft skin of Lando’s cheek. And there was something instinctive in the way Lando leaned into his touch, something that told them both this was right.

“I think you’re amazing,” Jake whispered, the first thought of thousands that came to his lips. He had so many things to say he had thought he would never get to tell Lando.

Lando grinned, but there was no answering grand declaration. His hungry mouth sought out Jake’s in a desperate kiss, and somehow that was a million times better than anything he could say.


End file.
